Another Dream

Dream or nightmare....

Well Im awake now.  Another dream, the same dream each time.  A grim reminder of a sad time...
It's always the same.  In the dream, I awake from sleep while sitting at my mother's bedside. My eyes focus in on the clock on the wall.  It's 3:15am in the morning.  It's Friday, May 21, 2004.  Next my eyes find my mother lying on her bed on her back.  Her eyes are closed and she looks peaceful.  Except I notice her breathing, its short and shallow.  Her nasal oxygen has been moved, no longer in her nose.  Im not sure how long it actually took for my brain to register that something wasn't right, but I know the next minute I am yelling down the hall to what, in retrospect, was probably an intern.  He looked frightened when I said "Please come quick!"  He grabbed an older woman. She looked kind (yes it's funny the things you remember about tragic or sudden events after the fact).  She rushed to my mother's side. I watched almost in denial in my mind that this was actually happening.  She then turned to me, "Im so sorry", she said.  I hugged her!  I didn't know what to do! I actually hugged a stranger!  She WAS kind.  She hugged me back.  I think she asked if there was anything she could do or call.  I remember thinking  (not sure if it came our of my mouth...) I need to make the calls.  I must've said it...b/c the next thing I remember was being shown to a phone at the nurses station. I have no idea who I called first, but the next thing I remember is returning my mother's room.  Where else was I going to go?  What was I supposed to do now? I remember asking myself if it was really happening. When I got to her room, they were bathing her.  The nice nurse said that they had to call the hospital and have her officially pronounced.  I knew what she meant. I believe I asked if i needed to stay.  I wanted to although Im not sure why.  I guess if I left it meant that it was real and my mother was gone.  But she was gone and I do leave finally.  Then I awake in tears.

My dream "allows" me to relive those events as if it happened yesterday.  I don't really want to relive those moments.